


Voltron The Musical

by bisexualandready2die



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: All the Popular Ships, Badly Hidden Dick Jokes, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Everyone Gets to Narrate, F/M, Gay, How Do I Tag, I Love This Show Even Though I'm Making Fun Of It, I'm musical trash, Loosely Involved With Canon, M/M, Musical References, Original Songs, Season Five Messed This Up, Space Dad Shiro (Voltron), Space Uncle Coran (Voltron), Spelling and Grammar Errors, This Is STUPID, What Have I Done, they/them pronouns for Pidge
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-15
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-03-18 17:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13686570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bisexualandready2die/pseuds/bisexualandready2die
Summary: "As time passes, Hunk becomes less and less sure about this musical thing. Sure, he loves musicals! He was on crew for many school productions, including the Garrison’s famous No We Aren’t Hiding Aliens from the General Population. But after Shiro’s successful-and may he say very moving- performance, Coran kept getting wilder ideas. Which brings Hunk to his point of hesitation: performing in a stadium for noodle people."An extremely garbage crack fic in which Coran, being infected by the space worm, starts a musical instead. Be prepared for romance! Action! Original musical numbers! And really really really bad jokes!





	1. Don't Do Drugs Kids

**Author's Note:**

> Heads up this is all for humor purposes only. In no way is this good writing. In a fandom full of really talented writers, we needed more trash. Never fear for I am here!

Between two sets of paladins, being royal advisor, practically raising Allura, winning Best Mustache at the local Altean Fair, and romancing various men from many planets, Coran Hieronymus Wimbleton Smythe had experienced a lot of things. However, he had never found himself in quite this position before.

“Ah yes!” The merchant drawled in his not creepy at all voice. “Put this under your pillow and in the morning your head will be filled with all sorts of ideas. Take it, all the cool teens are doing it.

He knew not to take drugs from strangers, it had been ingrained in him though all those VSNNTD classes (Voltron Says No-No To Drugs). But he had really let down the Paladins with this show. Having that guilt weighing down on him, he felt the need to make it up to them. And anyways it’s not like this merchant lurking with drugs in a space retirement home would be sketchy in any way. After bargaining for it, he pockets the pill and goes to find Allura.

After the next disaster- how was he supposed to know about Clear Day?? Darn Swathia- Coran gets lectured about his mistake from his niece, I mean princess, Allura.

“Coran we can’t have this happen! We need to build the coalition, and these appearances are very critical!” Her British voice fills the Castleship’s main hall.

“Why?” he wonders “Are our voices British? Is it because that reminds people of royalty? Did the Alteans settle in Britain many years ago so the British really have an Altean accent? That would explain why the British became so powerful so fast. No, but that timeline wouldn’t work. Am I putting too much thought in a children’s show? Wait! How do I know it’s a children’s show?” He looks up at the author, who shrugs. They both realize they had broken the fourth wall for a cheap laugh and the author ashamedly rebuilds it.

Once the fabric of the universe is restored, Allura continues with her lecture as if nothing had happened. She paces up and down listing all the things that have gone wrong in the past week. Maybe her hair is white from stress.

Coran pulls her into a hug. “I’m sorry I’ve put you through this my dear. I feel like a right quiznacker for causing you all this stress.” White hot guilt bubbled in him.

Allura giggled. “You are not a quiznacker. Just go get some sleep and come back in the morning with more great ideas.” She gave him one last hug and went to her bed.

“Great ideas, huh?” Coran stares at the pill and briefly wonders why the words ‘what the mouth do’ are printed on the container it came in. Against all good sense, he puts it under his pillow.

“Wiggle wiggle.” The worm thinks as it moves from the pill to Coran’s brain. “I’m about to fuck shit up in this dude.” It latches on to Coran’s brain and we switch point of views because otherwise our narration would be neon colors, random screams, and some notes of Carless Whisper. How about we check in on our beloved space mice?

The mice had seen so much. Too much. It haunted them so-

Okay. Looks like we are not going to do that. We will pick our good old team leader next. Shiro, you’re up.

Considering how his life had been going up to this point, Shiro wasn’t even surprised when he was run over in the middle of the night by a psychotic mustached ginger alien uncle. Was Shiro a clone? Heck if he knew. Just look at his hair. _His eyeliner_. “I need a break.” He quietly thinks to himself. Instead of going to the Black Lion for his usual midnight scream into the void, he was now forced to go see what has Coran running though the hallways screaming.

The paladins stumble in, blinking blearily at Coran, who caused quite the stir. Lance, in his bathrobe and lion slippers (still blue- looks like someone is in de-lion-al) lets out a dramatic groan.

“This better be important. Do you think this ethereal glow comes out of nowhere? I need at least eight hours to maintain this look.” Lance tenses up, almost like he was waiting for someone to argue with him. But no angry red emo gay rises to the challenge so he sits down with no more complaint. Sitting across the top of the couch, Pidge lets out a sleepy yawn and slips a little. Hunk picks them up and sits net to Lance. Shiro knew if he sat down he would never get up again so he stays standing at Allura’s side. Bless her for always standing regally next to him.

Coran then turns around and Shiro has to muffle a scream. Coran has always been kind and wise, if a bit kooky occasionally, but this is something else. His eyes are bloodshot, his mustache ruffled, his hands making explosive gestures, and his body twitching. Shiro feels more stressed just looking at him.

“Hello Paladin people!” Coran greets and Shiro has to take deep breaths because _holy fuck he sounds like a talent agent_. “So I was lying in bed and a started to get the most ridonkulous ideas!” His gestures get wilder and wilder as he keeps speaking. “Welcome to my candy store because I am not throwing away your shot at being popular. One day more and tomorrow you’ll be the guys that everyone will be into!” Except for Hunk and Lance who were looking more excited with each stupid musical reference, he was only met with looks of confusion. He adjusts quickly.

“To expand the Voltron Coalition, we will perform…” he pauses dramatically “Voltron the Musical!!” He does jazz hands and falls into the splits. Lance starts applauding loudly and Hunk breaks out into a smile.

“That sounds really stupid.” Pidge deadpans, exhibiting her usual lack of a filter. Coran’s face falls and even though Shiro really does not like the look in the Altean’s eye, he steps up to his defense.

“If a musical is what it takes to spread the word about Voltron, we’ll do it. It could certainly be very… memorable.” He injects, feeling more tired than he was a minute ago. Coran lights up and starts twirling around the room.

“Oh ho! So the team leader is on board! I’ll start planning for our first big performance.” Coran leaps away and Shiro can feel palpable regret for his decision. Lance comes swooping down on Shiro.

“Shiro, have I ever told you that you are my favorite.” He bounces excitedly on the balls of his feet.

“Buddy! I thought I was the favorite.” Hunks whines.

Lance clutches his heart, turning to his best friend. “Hunk, babe, you are eternally the favorite.” Hunk dismisses Lance.

“Nope I’ve been betrayed. You think you know a guy.” Despite his words, he grins and walks back with Lance. Pidge scurries into the nearest vent. Shiro thinks he heard them murmur “later bitches” as they leave, but he puts it down to being tired. Allura, obviously worried about Coran goes to pace in her room, her mice following her.

“Everyone’s gone. Good.” Shiro thinks before passing out on the spot.

Bright lights shine across the escalators, smells waft from the food court, pleasant music plays through the speakers. Oh yes, this is _the_ Space Mall. You know, the one everyone got to go to and have fun at while Shiro almost died. He needs some coffee. Coran is almost frolicking in front of them, prepping them for the show. Shiro gives a start when he hears his name.  

“Shiro! Baby! Since you so kindly endorsed my musical idea, you get to sing the first song.” Lance and Hunk let out noises of disappointment, while Shiro is slowly counting to a hundred. “The rest of you will be ensemble. Remember the key to being ensemble is jazz hands and being underappreciated. It’s time to go go go!”

The mustached showman maniac shoves Shiro onto the stage in front a few dozen curious shoppers. All of the sudden music comes through the air, from absolutely nowhere (the author holding a Bluetooth speaker). And in the fashion of a musical character Shiro is gripped with the fire, the desire, to sing.

_A long time ago, I was a dad friend, before the Galra did me wrong._ He sang, his melodius, Josh Keaton- like voice ringing across the room.

_So now I’m faced with a conundrum that I must sing in a so-ong_

_Am I dead inside_?

_Am I dad inside_?

_Which one will I choose_?

_Will I accept my dark fate_?

_And my dadness I will lose._ He’s getting into it now, adding motions as he goes.

_Am I dead inside?_

_Am I dad inside?_

_This haunts me every day_

_And the question just won’t go awa-a-ay_

_To be dad._ The paladins hum dramatically behind him

_To be dead._

_It swirls around inside my head._

_Do I accept death’s sweet release?_

_Or say “Hello Death, I’m dad”_

_Do I set up a swear jar for the paladins?_

_Or swear at the bad luck I’ve had?_

_What kind of dad disappears?_

_Screams for no one to hear?_

_I’m stuck in an endless loop_

_And I honestly feel like shi -poooop_

His voice becomes quiet and he puts his hand on his chest.

_I’ve reached my conclusion this time and this day._

_And when someone asks me I will saaaaaayyyy._ He holds out the note, putting his arms up and the paladins strike dramatic poses.

_I’m de-dad inside!_

_I’m da-dead inside!_

_It looks like I am both!_

_I’m da-dead inside!_

_I’m de-dad inside!_

_I’m not just one charter trope._ Sitting on the edge on the stage now, his teammates solemnly jazz square behind him.

_So now that I know who I am._

_I can lead Voltron the best way I caaaaaannnnn._

His voice fades out and he hears thundering applause. Coran wipes a tear from his eye. Even Allura is smiling. Maybe this musical idea isn’t so bad after all.


	2. A Hunk of a Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunk gets a feature in this chapter and a song! He also gets kidnapped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy another chapter of garbage. This has two songs!

As time passes, Hunk becomes less and less sure about this musical thing. Sure, he loves musicals! He was on crew for many school productions, including the Garrison’s famous _No We Aren’t Hiding Aliens from the General Population_. But after Shiro’s successful-and may he say very moving- performance, Coran kept getting wilder ideas. Which brings Hunk to his point of hesitation: performing in a stadium for noodle people. 

What can be said about the Bii-Boh-Bi that hasn’t already been said. These nightmare breadstick monstrosities are hodgepodges of nonsensical anatomy and confusing vocal patterns. Hunk understands why Allura wants these things in the coalition. Zarkon would shit bricks just from the absurdity of these things. To his disgust, he sees Lance actually flirting with one of the aliens.

“Is it im-pasta-ble to go on a date with you?” Lance flicks his eyebrows at the Bii-Boh-Bi (who has a Bii-Boh-Bow, mind you) and pulls out his finger guns. Hunk feels bile rise in his mouth. Oh, this is not good. He hasn’t been turned into a barf joke for two whole seasons!

“Ah fuck!” The author screams from above. “Are you kidding? Again? This isn’t even funny. Why do I _do_ this? Oh, ugh now I have dialogue. Just great.” Shaking their head, they kick the fourth wall back into place.

Hunk blinks a few times, readjusting from what he doesn’t know, and proceeds to drag Lance away from the object of his flirtation.

He looks down at his buddy in exasperation. “Wow dude. I can’t believe you are unable to flirt with Keith, but you can flirt with anatomically incorrect breadstick.” Lance turns red and starts to sputter.

“She had a great personality, okay?” He lets out a haughty breath and walks over to Coran. Now, to fully understand the deal going on, we must go where no person has gone before. The mind of a **monster**.

“Bii-Boh-Bi.” Thought Bii-Boh-Bi. He did not know what the actual Bii-Boh-Bi was going on with this mustached guy, but as long he got money from the dude he didn’t give a Bii-Boh-Bi. He would put on a show for his people and they would stall the revolution for at least a week. Their planet was one of war and of bloodshed. He shook hands with the ginger and the deal was done.

Can we please go back to Hunk now? Okay good.

Though uneasy about the arrangement that had been made, Hunk is still fascinated at how quick the aliens get the stadium. Man, he would love to get his hands on that design. What materials do they use? How do they wire the whole thing? It’s undeniably cool. As he watches the stadium being built, he doesn’t notice Coran coming up behind him.

“HEY HUNKY-DORY!” Coran yells at top volume, causing Hunk to jump no less than 4 feet 7 inches in the air and let out an awkwardly high-pitched scream. He hears Pidge snicker from across the room and glares at them before turning back to Coran.  “You are going to be the star of our next performance!”

“Uh, I’m not much of a singer. I’m better at acting and dancing and...” Having calmed down, Hunk tries to avoid whatever Coran has planned for him.

“Oh no no no, my yellow friend, you will not be singing the song. Instead the song will be _about_ you!” Coran makes a grandiose gesture, setting Hunk on edge.

“So, uh, have you written this song?” Coran looks appalled at the possibility.

“Like in all great musicals, the song will just come.”

“I think someone has to wri-” Hunk protests.

Coran shushes him while aggressively doing the grapevine towards him. “It will come.” Hunk drops it and lets himself by let away by some noodle monsters to find his costume. As he walks down the hallways sighing, feeling utterly Shiro-like, he is unaware of eyes watching him from the rafters, and no, this is not Pidge.

Not so long ago, Sal, head chef of mall restaurant Vrepit Sal’s, made an oath. He swore on many holy things, like Haggar’s cat and Lotor’s hair, that someday he would get the yellow paladin back in his kitchen to cook for him for **the rest of eternity**. When he saw the very same human at his mall doing jazz hands behind that outrageously attractive man, it was like all of his dreams had come true. So he snuck on their castleship and now was on this planet full of noodle people. And with his high-tech kidnapping device, _a sack_ , he will take Hunk, hide him, and when the paladins leave, sneak him back to his mall. It was a foolproof plan.

Meanwhile Hunk is in his ‘dressing room’ as Coran calls it, completely unaware of the plot against him. “ _The government isn’t hiding aliens_.” He sings into a hairbrush. “ _There’s nothing suspicious here_ \- who the quiznack are you?” One whoosh of the sack and with a scream Hunk is gone.

At the scream, the paladins come running. Lance looks around the dressing room and gasps.

“Hunk is gone!” he wails, leaning on the wall, posing dramatically. Pidge rolls their eyes and scoffs at Lance.

“I’m sure he’s not- quiznacking quiznack- Hunk is gone!” They look around in shock. Lance faints. At this display, Shiro, who cannot take this level of stress, has to lean on Allura, who is wringing her hands with worry.

Pidge cannot let this stand. Hunk is their only nerd friend. When Keith and Lance get over their collective pining asses, Hunk will be her only solace. They need him back. Scanning the last known location of Hunk, Pidge picks up something interesting.

“Guys, look! There is a pair of footprints on that carpet, and the grate is propped open! Hunk,” they pause for effect “has been taken” A gasp goes up among the paladins. Shiro shuts his eyes and takes several deep breaths. “But don’t worry. I’ve been reading mystery novels since I could read. I got this.”

From absolutely nowhere, a repetitive snapping starts. Everyone looks up for the source, except for Pidge, because they have been taken over by, horror of all horrors, a song.

_The villain left some clues that he can’t erase_

_Pidge is on the case._ From nowhere whatsoever, Pidge puts a hat on their head.

_The culprit tried to hide his face._

_Pidge is on the case._

_The person took our great friend with a screaming sound._

_It’s time for reckoning, I’m gonna take them down._

_Pidge is o-o-on the case._ The paladins start snapping along as Pidge gets more and more expressive.

_Ooo-ooo._ Lance sings behind her.

_So you got yourself a mystery_

_Well, I’m going to go down in history,_

_As the next Sherlock Holmes._

_I read a bunch of Nancy Drew._

_So get up all your hooo-oooopes_. They reach for the sky and hold the note as long as they can.

_I can hack into the interface._

_Pidge is on the case._

_I can track their path, follow the trace._

_Pidge is on the case._

_I’m_ They strike a pose

_On_ They lower the hat

_The_ Everyone stops snapping

_Case!_

“What was that?” Allura asks. “Why did a song just happen when we weren’t performing onstage?”

“Princess,” Pidge replied. “I’m afraid this has become a full musical.”

“Great! How do we stop?” Shiro looks sort of queasy at this point.

Pidge levels him with a glare. “There is no escape **ever**. Okay, to the vents we go. For Hunk!” They scurry up into the opening.

“For Hunk!!!” Lance screams, barreling after her. Allura rips off her dress to reveal a practical romper and goes in. Shiro takes a deep breath, whispers a silent prayer, rethinks all his life decisions, and follows.

Bending a glow stick to light the way, Pidge leads our particular paladins on a perilous parade through positively puny play. (Play means a space, look it up.) They crawl through the vent with practiced ease and at great speeds, while the rest of their teammates rush to catch up with them.  Up ahead, they see a Galra dressed like a chef, carrying a vaguely Hunk-shaped sack.

Sal never felt more terror than the moment he saw a green gremlin monster scurrying down towards him, screeching its lungs out with a gleam in its eyes. He quickly found a grate leading out of the ventilation system and dropped down to the ground. And if he was screaming his haed off while doing so, no one can blame him. The Paladins quickly followed him.

“Allura!” Pidge yelled. “Enact plan Alpha Beta Nu Omega Epsilon Kappa Iota!” Nodding, Allura picked Pidge over her head and threw them at Sal. They barreled headfirst into him, knocking him out in the process.

Lance stood over the restaurant owner, nudging him with his foot. “That was some mystery. We caught the guy in two seconds.”

“But I did use my head.” Pidge says and winks. Everyone groans, and the sack groans with pain.

“Oh, my lord Hunk is in that sack.” Shiro runs over, obviously worried. He pulls Hunk out of the sack. Hunk gets up blearily and as no time to adjust before Lance tackles him in a hug, followed by the rest of the Paladins.

He is greeted by many “I’m so relieved to see you”s and “Don’t scare me again buddy”s and “The guy is getting up and getting away!” Everyone turns to Pidge as she sprints at the guy, only to find no trace of him.

“Looks like a mystery for another time. But right now, Hunk’s back! Let’s celebrate!” The team finds themselves in the Bii-Boh-Bi’s stadium, with music starting to play.

Hunk looks around with a start. “Weren’t we just-”

“Don’t worry about it buddy! It’s time for my solo.” Lance takes the stage with practiced ease and sings the first lines.

_Have you heard about my best friend? He’s really quite a guy._

_I’ve known for a real long time, and without him I would die._

_He’s the light of my life. So I would’ve thunk,_

_That everybody loves Hunk!_ Pidge steps up next him.

_My science buddy, yeah he’s really smart._

_An electrical whiz, with a overflowing heart._

_And if I was just meeting him, I would still have thunk,_

_That everybody loves Hunk!_ All the paladins break out into the chorus.

_A hunk of love!_

_And a heck of guy!_

_Every day our love for him multiplies._

_The leg of Voltron_

_And who would’ve thunk?_

_That everybody loves Hunk._ They fall back, leaving Shiro on the stage.

_The leg of Voltron, Hunk supports the team._

_With his giant cannon, he fights like a dream!_

_And when this whole started, I should’ve thunk,_

_That everybody loves Hunk!_ Shiro winces, thinking of all the times he could have praised Hunk before. Allura puts her hand on his shoulder and draws herself up to sing.

_He takes care of my mice, listens to their rambles._

_And without his expertise, the castle would be in shambles._

_So even if I was human, I would’ve thunk,_

_That everybody loves Hunk._ All of Hunk’s teammates look at him, blushing from the praise and they share smiles. He doesn’t even know what is coming.

_You can hear compassion when he talks._ They sing.

_Could even fall in love with a rooooock!_ Shay bursts through into the stadium. Hunk gasps and she runs towards him, dips him and pulls into a searing kiss.

_And he’s never gonna sto-op!_ Lance hits a very high note.

_Sto-op_. Sing the rest of the paladins.

_Sto-op_. Sing all the Bii-Boh-Bi in the audience.

_Sto-op_. Sing all the fangirls. A defeaning sound is heard as all good people in the universe join in for the chorus.

_A hunk of love!_

_And a heck of guy!_

_Every day our love for him multiplies._

_The leg of Voltron_

_And who would’ve thunk?_

_That everybody loves_

_A hunk of love!_

_And a heck of guy!_

_Every day our love for him multiplies._

_The leg of Voltron_

_And who would’ve thunk?_

_That everybody loves Hunk._

_Everybody loves Hu-unk._

_Everybody lo-o-o-ooo-oooves_

_Hunk!_

All the paladins beam at Hunk. He thanks them profusely, while holding onto his wonderful girlfriend. His doubts about the entire musical are dispelled. No one sees Coran, his eye twitching, rubbing his hands together maliciously.

“Oh yes.” He thought. “It is beginning.”

Keith is absolutely, positively done. First, he leaves his family to join this death squad with a dark purple aesthetic (seriously, the toilets in this place are dark purple), then they start a musical without him, and then he misses out on appreciating Hunk! He walks into Kolivan’s room.

“Hey K-van! I’m taking a break for probably indefinitely so good-by forever.”

“What?” Kolivan looks up confused, from where he was doing beloved Galra maze puzzle ‘Help Zarkon find the Black Lion’ but it was too late. Keith had already flipped some sunglasses on and boarded a ship, ready to find his family again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who reviewed and left kudos! The Klance chapter is next, so get excited.


	3. The Klance Chapter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Klance. Wonderful wonderful Klance. Also Krolia appears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry its been forever but I'm proud in an odd way of this chapter.

No one told Keith how boring space travel was. After hours through mind-numbingly similar solar systems, he was ready to crash his spaceship (which he did not steal from the Blade, what do you mean) into the nearest cluster of floating rubble. He misses his team. He misses pulling all-nighters with Pidge, training with Shiro, brooding with Allura, stress baking with Hunk, and most of all, he misses Lance. Past Keith would have thought he was insane at the mere thought, but Lance had grown to mean a… lot to him. He is jolted out of his musings by almost being hit by an asteroid.

“Dangit Keith, if you could stop being gay for _one single second_ , stuff like this wouldn’t happen to you.” He grumbled, meandering through the assorted space junk, including, but not limited to: Voltron action figures, a shopping cart, and an expensive looking bust that looks suspiciously like Zarkon.

“I wonder what Lance is doing right now?”

Lance is holding a broom, twirling it around the room and talking to it.

“Behold fair maiden and/or gentleman, my song and dance!” he says grandiosely, winking at the broom. His voice rises several pitches as he moves the broom like it is talking, “Oh Lance, your musical wooing has won my eternal love. There is no one as great as-“

“Lancey-Lance! My boy!” The blue paladin gives an unholy shriek and yeets the broom across the room as Coran rises from seemingly nowhere to eye level. Look, he loves Coran, but this is getting ridiculous.

“Don’t do that! What the actual fuck?” He crosses his arms and glares at the Altean. Coran blinks at him confusedly before he breaks out into an unperturbed smile. He poses dramatically.

“You, number 3, will be the main act of our next show!” Lance flew out of his seat, ecstatic, all worry of things forgotten.

He beams at Coran and leaves him with a “I must get ready!” This will be his biggest role since he pretended to be emotionally stable for years! Ouch.

Coran stands on the balcony, watching with an evil smirk he was never able to make before, and even more concerningly, starts talking to himself, twirling his mustache in a menacing way.

“Yes, yes paladin, enjoy your infernal sing-song. Smile and sing and dance. Soon it will be all you can do, and I will reign supreme!” He laughs, sound and pitch escalating with each second.

“Hey guys? Did you hear the suspiciously evil laughter coming from the balcony?” Lance’s voice causes him to stuff his hands over his mouth and sprint down the stairs, leaving the readers to wonder why Coran is acting like Dr. Doofenshmirtz and why the author keeps breaking the fourth wall when its not even funny anymore.

“Eh, probably nothing at all.” Keith says. His ship suddenly shook from an impact. His anger towards all asteroids filling him up, Keith whips around to see what was happening. And behold, it is a Galra woman.

She is tall, with markings on her face, wearing a shirt that says ‘Bad Bitch’. She flings herself into the cockpit, throws her sunglasses across the ship and faces Keith.

“When I heard from Hoe-livan that you were in space and you joined the Blade, I booked it out of there faster than Haggar can say ‘quintessence’. He wanted me to guard some secret weapon, but anyone can do that. Literally just give a robot a gun and have it stand there. So I flew my little ship through the galaxy until I found your ship, you are so much like your father, only he would crash into an asteroid, and here I am!”

“And who are you?” Keith asks, confused despite his resemblance to her and her direct reference to her father. Krolia gives him a pat on the head.

“Honey it’s good that you are so pretty.” She waits a little bit for him to figure it out before yelling, “It’s me! Krolia! I am your mother!” After the realization dawned on him, Keith’s eyes widened and he gasped.

“Are we going to talk about the fact that you leaving me left me with scarring emotional issues and an inability to form lasting relationships for my entire life?”

“Pfft, no! We are just going to make stupid jokes instead!”

“Okay. That’s cool.” Keith says, dying inside. “I’ll set up a joke for you. How did you and Dad meet?” At this question that is totally not a segue into a flashback, Krolia hesitates.

“Your father and I had a first meeting that was... interesting, to say the least.” She turns and flips her sunglasses back on. “It’s flashback time.”

_“Remember your mission, Krolia. It is of the utmost importance.” Kolivan says through the screen, unaware of the Blade member mocking him under her breath. She cuts off her communication before her ship starts to plummet quickly. Some idiot back in headquarters forgot to calculate this blue and green planet’s gravity correctly. As she lost control of her ship, she only just managed to aim it in the general area of her objective. Sitting by the wreckage, she hears a voice coming closer._

_“I been knew that aliens were alive and kicking, but those fellers wouldn’t believe me. Well, dang nabit this will show them” A man with disheveled brown hair sticking out of his cowboy hat and a big smile leaned over the crater. His breath catches when his eyes land on Krolia, who is now up in defensive position. He takes off his hat and holds it to his chest. “Miss, y’all are the most beautiful lady my eyes ever did see.” Krolia gives a war cry and charges out, slicing the odd voiced man in the face. She looks him in the eyes and crows._

_“Get wrecked, bitch.” Before running off into the night. Clutching his forehead and staring after her, Willy Kogane sits down on the ground, dazed._

_“I reckon I’m in love.”_

“Wait, what?” Keith exclaims, laughing. “You gave Dad the scar on his eyebrow?” Krolia laughs sheepishly.

“And he still pursued me, that stubborn idiot.” They both burst into laughter and spend the next few hours telling stories: from Krolia- about the past and some difficult missions, from Keith- details of Voltron’s exploits and a certain blue paladin. Their bonding- Keith shudders for no reason- I mean togetherness, is interrupted by another Blade of Marmora ship gaining on them, sirens blaring. Keith and Krolia look at each other.

“I may have stolen a Blade ship”, they admit in unison. Twin smirks grow on their faces, and (surprise, surprise) some music starts.

 _Mother_ Keith points to Krolia

 _Son_ Krolia points back at him

 _Mother_ _and Son_ They sing together

_This is our kind of fun_

_And we’re not gonna stop until the day is done._

_It’s Ma-ma-mother and son._

_We may cross our arms and grumble a lot._

_But we are much more than you have ever thought._

_Sure we might stab you, that wouldn’t be nice._

_But here’s some sound advice_

_Don’t mess_ Both of them are pumping their fists to the beat

_With the best_

_Mother_

_Son_

_Mother and Son_

_This is our kind of fun_

_And we’re not gonna stop until the day is done_

_It’s Ma-ma-mother and son._

_We are the ultimate du-o_ Krolia picks Keith up, flips and catches him.

_There’s nothing we can’t do- no_

_Cause we are definitely_

_Absolutely_

_Positively_

_Quite clearly_

_Mother_

_Son_

_Mother and Son_

_Don’t give us a pass_

_Or we’re gonna kick your aaaaasssssss!_

Keith and his mom, hit a final pose, confused but happy, when a warning sounds in the ship.

“Zarkon’s purple balls, they’re firing at us. Hit it Keith!” They speed away as fast as the little spacecraft can go.

Lance, meanwhile, is not having a less stressful time. Running from hordes of noodle fangirls and boys is not a great way to spend your precious time.

“Lance, I love you!” one screams.

“Lance is such a beautiful boy!” another shouts.

“He deserves everything good in world!” a third cries. These are all very heartwarming sentiments made less so by the fact the Bii-Boh-Bi’s are closing in at rapid speeds. He is beginning to see Hunk’s point about them. With relief, he notices a grate above him. He leaps up into the opening and slams it closed behind him. He doubles over and breathes like he was running from a horrible monster.

“What brings you here?’ Lance whips around, face drained of color, to find Pidge. Oh thank quiznack. They are sitting in a beanbag, eating chips, watching a small TV. Lance has many questions that he chooses not to ask for his personal safety.

“Oh! I was just running away from my adoring fans who scare me half to death. One tried to kiss me and I swear I almost had a heart attack.” Pidge smirks at him.

“Only want to Keith to kiss you, huh.” Lance sputters and tries to protest. “Oh don’t even try. It’s as obvious as the markings on Allura’s face. It would take monumental obliviousness to not notice that you like him.” Lance groans and flops on the ground.

“I miss him so much. I wish he would have never left to join the Band of Marmalade.” Pidge looks at him and their face softens. He looks up to see them holding out a Wii remote to him.

“Do you want to play Mario Kart?”

“Why!?” Lance yells as he falls off a mushroom once again. “Good to know I can pilot a giant mechanical lion but I can’t drive the quiznacking bullet bike!” His predicament makes Pidge snicker.

“It’s because you picked Baby Peach. She’s obviously cursed.” They themselves are currently resolutely in first. Lance huffs.

“Do you what’s cursed? Keith’s hair! It’s a mullet, but I still want to run my fingers through and braid it and pull Keith close and kiss him. How whack is that, right? So unfair.” The green paladin offers a consoling pat before returning to the screen. Lance’s ranting turned into screams as Coran worms his way down the vents, wide smile on his face.

“Wiggle wiggle” Coran says, then clears his throat. “I mean, hello and all that!” He studies the screen. “Wow guys. It’s an f-ed up world but it’s a two-player game, am I right? I much as I hate to interrupt this, our star of day needs to get ready for his very own show!” Lance gasps and straightens up. He lost track of time! He has absolutely nothing prepared for this. And he is pretty sure he’ll get mobbed as soon as he leaves. Coran must see the uncertainty in Lance’s eyes, because he quickly moves to assure him.

“Not to worry, not to worry, you will not be ambushed by your adoring fans. Hunk is distracting them as we speak.” The paladin in question is currently running for his life, banging two pots together to get the Bii-Boh-Bi’s attention.

“This is the worst thing that I have ever done!” he screams. One of them grabs for his foot with its thin little demon arms (wait, they have arms???) and he starts crying.

“But Hunk is really afraid of them.” Lance states, concerned. “Was he the best person to ask?”

“Well I asked Shiro first, but he said something about ‘not getting paid enough for this shit’ and then took a power nap.” Coran replies. Lance wipes a tear from his eye.

“Hunk is such a good friend.” He whispered gratefully. He sneaks through to a dressing room and begins planning an elaborate costume. He could only imagine what his randomly assigned musical number would be. Jazz? Classical? Oh, all the possibilities! Little did he know the universe is conspiring against him.

“Mwa ha ha!” laughed the evil universe in an evil manner. “I shall hit him with Langst instead! How evil of me!” Lance stands on the stage, flighty concerned when the music starts off slow, but is soon caught up in the mood.

_I feel like I’m alone_

_In the vacuum of space_

_A million planets, and peoples, and wonders_

_But I can never find my place_

_And everybody thinks I can’t feel_

_That I’m just a silly clown_

_But they’re just so high above me_

_And I’ll just bring them down_

_I’m feeling blue_

_I’m feeling blue_

_Lost in my own head, and I don’t know what to do_

_I’m feeling sad_

_I’m feeling scattered_

_I’m feeling bad_

_I’m feeling shattered_

_I look into a sea of stars_

_But I can’t see my home_

_The place where I long to be_

_But I can never go_

_I know I save the universe_

_But I can’t help how much it hurts_

_I’m dying_

_But I’m still_ \- his voice breaks- _trying_

_I’m feeling blue_

_I’m feeling blue_

_Lost in my own head, and I don’t know what to do_

_I’m feeling sad_

_I’m feeling scattered_

_I’m feeling bad_

_I’m feeling shattered_

_I’m feeling blue_ Up above Lance there is a huge crash as a spaceship falls from the heavens. It rolls up to Lance’s feet and the door swings open, revealing Keith in his paladin uniform. He opens his mouth and sings.

_If you’re blue_

_Then I’m red_

_So let’s make purple_

_And we will be the perfect couple_

_I love you for all you flaws_

_But I’ve held back the years because_

_I didn’t if you_

_Loved me too_. Lance’s eyes widen, and he reaches out to Keith, pulls his hand back and starts to sing some more. The music changes and a peppy tune surrounds them.

_Let’s make purple_

_Oh yeah let’s make purple They sing together_

_And together we will be the perfect couple_

_Life without Klance is a bore_

_So, we’re putting the Klance in Season Four_

_Purple it’s the greatest color_

_And we totally deserve each other_

_I see you more than as just a friend,_

_And we deserve a happy end._

Lance pulls Keith away from the crowds, where they sit on a bench to talk. Lance looks up at his crush, surprisingly shy. Keith is a lot cuter than a broom.

“So, you left, huh?”

“Yeah. I couldn’t stand it there. Every single thing was dark purple.”

“If you can’t stand purple, what does that make us?”

“I don’t know, lilac?” Lance laughs, and Keith feels his world fall into place. He pulls Lance in for a kiss. Then the heavens open up. It's Jeremy Shada, god of the Bii-Boh-Bi's. He descends from the sky and yells.

"Klance is canon king!" Before departing to the basement from whence he came.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've trademarked Zarkon's purple balls no one else can use it.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this is funny and not wildly stupid.


End file.
